Quick facts
Campaign: Campaign 1.5 · Where: an emptied town near Ginger Town; the Tabasco Forest · Party: The Cacklers with Belle Pepper and Ruby · Villain: Cell · Previous: C1.5 Chapter 01 · Next: C1.5 Chapter 03
The thing emptying towns turned out to be another of Dr. Gero’s creations, and it wanted 17 and 18. The Cacklers went looking for the twins first and found out too late who they were walking beside.
The creature in the alley
Out of the shadow crept a seven-foot creature with dark, irregular spots all over its skin, like a diseased reptile, dragging a middle-aged man along the ground.
One of the party sent out a magical duplicate to talk to it. Told that someone had reported a disturbance, it said, “Well, I am pretty disturbing.” Asked what it was, it answered with a question: “Do you want to see me drink this guy?” Its tail plunged into the man’s back, and with a sickening sound his body was drunk up through the tail.
Asked who it was, it said, “My next victim. I was asleep for like twenty years, so I am understandably hungry.”
It stabbed its tail at the duplicate. “Come out, come out, wherever you are.” When the Cacklers attacked, it sent a kamehameha wave right back at them. “Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.”
It asked whether they had seen “our cousins” around. Then it turned to Greene. “Why do you fight it, Greene? Come with me, and you’ll be in a world of simply pure perfection. Once I absorb 17 and 18, I will be perfect.”
“You’re a monster!”
“A monster? I haven’t had that one shouted at me all day. So many new treats to taste.” It teleported away.
Where the fuck am I?
A scrying spell found it at a trail intersection, staring at signposts that put South City, North City and East City all to the east. “Where the fuck am I?”
“Hi there, what’s your name?”
“My name’s Paprika Town. Who are you?”
“The name’s Cell. And you’re looking fine.”
Paprika Town begged him to absorb it right now. “Bitch, I do what I want,” said Cell, and the feed cut.
The Cacklers decided to find the twins in Tabasco before Cell did, then set a trap and lure him in with something nice and juicy to eat.
Terra joins
Terra was busy with school business at CAGS, but she was sent over by magic. Belle Pepper was starstruck. “Oh my God, it’s such an honor to finally meet you. My name’s Belle. Belle Pepper.”
The Tabasco Forest
In the Tabasco Forest, home of Korrin’s Tower, a young woman with shoulder-length blonde hair burst into a clearing, running from an owlbear. The party tore the owlbear to shreds. Greene stuck his Power Pole in its mouth, said “Extend,” and it shot out through its butt.
The young woman said she had been separated from her brother. Yes, she agreed, the thing after them sounded like a bug with a stinging tail. The creature had been very creepy. “He said he wanted me inside of him.” Terra looked very concerned. She had last seen her brother down by the river.
Perfect
17 was perched on a rock above the river, looking very nervous. “18? You’re alive? I thought he…”
She hugged him. He was glad she was okay. “Yeah,” she said. “Now that I’ve found you, I can finally be perfect.”
The forest went deathly still. With a wet tearing sound, a barbed tail burst out of “her” back and engulfed the horrified 17. A pulse of raw power blasted everyone backward except Terra, who threw up her arms and slid only a few feet.
Then came the song, one letter at a time: “P is for priceless, the look upon your faces. E is for extinction of all your puny races…” Terra punched him partway through “F is for how fucked you are,” and he finished anyway: “My name is Perfect Cell, and I’d like to say hello.”
“Now, Terra, must we always solve our problems with violence? Is that really any way to treat your son?” He was a part of her, he said, and of Greene, and of Oolong. To Belle he said, “I’m sorry, you’re not on the list.”
“Belle Pepper. I’m your worst nightmare.”
“Riveting.” Perfect Cell explained what he was: the Cacklers, perfected, made from all of their DNA “with a little extra thrown in here or there of some of your messes you’ve left around.”
He threw a kienzan at Ruby that nearly cut her down. “I mean, what kind of mother sends her daughter out here anyway? That’s just negligence.”
Then he let them go. “Turn those frowns upside down, Girl Scouts. You’re not dying today. Because what would I accomplish killing you here? No. The whole world needs to see what you’ve created. Tune into the radio. Toodles.”
The broadcast
Soon after, a masked singing show on the radio revealed the stars behind the feathers, “Tim McRoth and Faith Hillspire.” Then Cell cut in.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and that technical rainbow in between. I am Cell, but you may call me Perfect Cell.” Listeners might remember him from Ginger Town, Onion City, Radish Town, Parsley Hamlet, Basil Town, Cinnamon Ridge, Saffron Heights and others. “Of course, if you’ve lived in those cities, you won’t remember, because you are a part of my biomass.”
Next to the party, Satchel chanted, “Please be leaving the planet forever.”
“I’m leaving the planet forever,” Cell announced, “after I blow it up. Unless one of your planet’s champions can best me in combat.”
He announced The Cell Games, sponsored by Heatap. There would be no bracket: Cell was the only opponent. He would fight the Cacklers first, and once he had disposed of them, “much like Juliette,” take on all comers. The Games would be held at the North City Coliseum, at noon, ten days from that day.
That left time to prepare, or “to connect with loved ones, get your affairs in order, or maybe just kill your boss.” He signed off: “Feel free to pray to your god. But spoilers: I won’t be listening.”
The same broadcast reached The FAM at an inn on the road to the Saline Coast (C2 Session 56).
Previous: Chapter 1: The Return of Dr. Gero · Next: Chapter 3: The Cell Games